


Vows

by Kadma32



Series: Our Future [5]
Category: God's Own Country (2017)
Genre: Adoption, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, implied child neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kadma32/pseuds/Kadma32
Summary: Johnny and Gheorghe take the next steps in their lives, with all the challenges they will bring.
Relationships: Gheorghe Ionescu/Johnny Saxby
Series: Our Future [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045542
Comments: 36
Kudos: 63





	1. New Meetings

**Author's Note:**

> Please note English is not my first language and this work in unbetaed. 
> 
> I would recommend reading the previous parts of this series. 
> 
> Also, the M rating only applies to chapter 4, which can be skipped.
> 
> Enjoy and do let me know what you think :)

Time has a strange way to sneak up on you when you are waiting for a specific date to arrive. 

One moment, everything seems so removed, so in the future that you get angry because you feel that what you want is never going to happen. Everything seems to take so long and you almost long for the time to go to bed to arrive so that you can tell yourself that another day is done, and you are one step closer.  
The next, the day you have long for is coming faster than you think and you are not even out of bed in the morning yet, with a gazillion things to do to get ready and do this thing the justice it deserves.

That was exactly how Johnny was feeling. The wedding date, which they had decided to be the anniversary of their return from Scotland together, had seemed so far away, partly because it had been, almost a year away, and partly because Robyn was managing every detail. 

At first, Johnny had been a tiny bit worried about it, because, for as much as he loved her to bits (although he would have never admitted it fully, not even under torture), she could get carried away easily, especially if it was something she felt very passionate about. But then, when it became increasingly clear that it would have been an impossible struggle to work long hours and organise a wedding, he had followed Gheorghe’s advice about trusting the only person they knew would pull it off. 

Hopefully, she was going to listen to their instructions of going as simple as possible, partly because they wanted it like that and partly because, for as many favours as she could claim from her friends in the events industry of whatever, neither of them wanted her to go through too much trouble. 

And then, suddenly, there was just one week to go. And yes, he was panicking a little, because Mariana was on her way already. Not that it was a bad thing, he quite liked the lady. But it was a small mercy she had decided to rent a little Air B&B in the village, allegedly because she wanted to give Gheorghe the option to be away from his betrothed the night before the wedding if he wished to. 

Johnny suspected she didn’t want to be an imposition on his nan and above all his father, and for that he was grateful. 

Still, she was coming for dinner to the farm and to have Gheorghe give her a little tour of the place, which meant meeting said nan and father without the distractions of the ceremony to help him through any embarrassing bits that might come up. 

So, there he was, doing beasts while his stupid head was full of thoughts.

How was his nan going to react at Mariana’s arrival? He had tried his best to destroy all remnants of xenophobic behaviours from his mind and he knew that his nan was doing the same, and he also knew that she loved Gheorghe almost as much as she loved him, even if she was never going to admit it, not even under torture. He had seen her helping them through the citizenship crap and he had heard her letting him stay while they were talking about his father’s health. 

But. There is always a but. 

Sometimes, she still muttered things under her breath, like when Mariana had sent a parcel to Gheorghe full of sweets and treats he said he could never find around their place, even in the little shop in the village that claimed to be a European Delicatessen place, when it had only a few bits and bobs and then it was all, really, just a lot of British muck. 

What about his father? How was he going to react to meeting a new person? 

Not to mention Mariana herself. How was she going to react, entering his house? When he had gone to Romania, everything seemed to go surprisingly smoothly, but here? God, at least she wasn’t entering the place when it was all gloom and desperation, otherwise she surely would have told Gheorghe to run for the hills, putting as much distance between himself and the strange Yorkshire man with anger issues. 

Or maybe not. Maybe, even then, she would have seen the same thing Gheorghe, and she wouldn’t have been bothered by the mould patches here and there. 

Ah, this was ridiculous, he thought, bringing both his hands to his head and brushing violently. 

He needed to calm down, everything was going to be fine. By now Gheorghe had probably collected her from the airport (as Deirdre had insisted) and they were travelling back. It was going to take a bit of time, considering that it was a long journey and she might want to relax, maybe have a coffee and a wee or something...anyway, enough for him to finish working, going back to clean himself up a little and help his nan if she needed an extra hand.

Everything was under control. 

Except, that it wasn’t. 

When he got back to the house, he could already sense that something was wrong. He couldn’t pinpoint it for certain, but there was a certain electricity in the air he didn’t like. Why was Gheorghe not there when he needed him? With all his patience and sensitivity, sure thing he would have figured out immediately what was going on. 

‘I will be right down’ he shouted, hoping his nan would hear him from wherever she was (he had told her a couple of times she should really start considering some hearing aids, but she had told him to stop being stupid and that had been the end of it). 

He freshened up and threw on a decent sweater and a pair of jeans, following Gheorghe’s advice not to fuss so much about all of this. 

As he walked down, he heard lots of pots and pans being moved around loudly, which was weird because his grandmother knew her way around the kitchen. 

‘Nan? You alright?’ he asked, peeking through the door. 

He found her standing there, staring at the stove where a pot was bubbling away with stew. 

‘Nan?’ he asked, stepping in. 

‘Yes?’ she turned to him, startled out of her thoughts. 

She gave him one of her stern looks as she got to her senses. 

For a moment, Johnny didn’t know if it was better to retreat to the safety of the living room and sit next to his father’s chair in front of the television or stay there and investigate further. He knew his nan was a strong woman, she could face everything with the strength of a hundred bulls. 

And yet, that evening, she looked so tense, her jaw rigid and her shoulders were a little lifted up. He hated seeing her like that, and, for a moment, the option of leaving the premises seemed extremely preferable, because, just like a cat ready to jump at you, Deirdre Saxby could react badly if any weakness was pointed out to her. 

But, if he had learnt something from his partner, was that, sometimes, you don’t need to face things on your own. 

And so, he took one step into the kitchen. If he was going to be scratched so be it. 

‘You alright?’ 

Deirdre frowned. 

‘The food. I have no idea what do make for these people’ 

‘This person. Only his mother is coming’ 

‘Not helping’ she replied, sending him a glacial look. 

‘Look, I have met her. She is just a chattier version of Gheorghe’ he said, with a little smile thinking that, after all, it was a decent description. 

Deirdre didn’t reply, just made a little nod before going to the fridge and starting to take some things out. She still looked as tense as it got, and Johnny felt out of sort. He looked around himself, desperately thinking what he could say or do, because, of all things, he didn’t want to make others feel bad when, really, they should be happy. 

And then, when his gaze stopped on the towel that Gheorghe was now using for his cheese, he remembered something his partner had told him, one night, in the darkness of their room when neither of them could sleep.

It was a memory from the first time he had met Martin and Deirdre, when they had commented on his English and he had said that his mother was a teacher. Deirdre had replied “fancy” with that very strange English distaste. 

That evening Gheorghe had smiled in the darkness, telling him that it had taken him a couple of days to fully realise the extent of that distaste. Johnny had laughed at him but Gheorghe had “told him off”, as it was a serious thing and that he went on to explain how he had noticed how English people tended to be scared of foreign people speaking more than one language not for any other reason, but for how it exposed their own perceived “weaknesses”. 

Johnny hadn’t contradicted him, but he had wondered if the problem was deeper than that. Because, how much suffering could that “embarrassment” produce, if you add it to the class system still so strong in the British Isles?

Suddenly, it all became clear. A teacher speaking more than one language. It was way above what Deirdre Saxby might consider her own position in life, making her feel out of place. 

Wow. Just wow. Social pressure and the disasters it causes, right? 

He took a step closer to his nan. 

He was not going to approach the topic directly, she was just going to close even more than necessary. 

But there was something he could do.

‘Let me help you’ 

‘With what?’

‘With cooking’

‘Since when are you interested in cooking?’ 

‘Since now. Could be fun, no? Plus, I guess if I am to wed’

‘Are you having cold feet already?’ she said, and, for a moment, she looked genuinely worried. 

‘No’ he said, shaking his head with an amused expression on his face. Come on people, did they still not trust his ability to commit?

‘Let me finish. If I am to be a husband to Gheorghe, maybe I should learn to make at least a decent plate of pasta’ 

She made her barely visible smile.

‘What?’ Johnny asked. It wasn’t such a stupid idea, right? And if they cooked together maybe she would feel a little less tense. 

‘It’s just...well, it’s nice to hear you say husband’ 

Johnny felt himself blush from head to toe. 

‘Oh well. Come on, what do we need to do first?’ he said, changing the subject before his ears would explode due to the heat. 

‘Boiling the kettle would help’ 

‘Doesn’t it always’ he replied.

He couldn’t remember if they had ever done something like this, maybe, if he tried hard enough there was a time when he was a child when everything seemed easier. 

Suddenly, that strange electricity he had felt before was gone. 

It didn’t take too long, maybe a little over half an hour, and then Johnny heard the car stopping in front of the door, right when the pasta bake was coming out of the oven. 

Johnny and his nan exchanged a look and nodded. They could do it.

Johnny opened the door, just in time to see Gheorghe and Mariana come out of the car. She had come with just a tiny trolley, keeping everything simple. 

Moment of panic. He sincerely hoped she hadn’t bought some silly present for his nan. Well, he couldn’t see any flower bouquets, which was a good start. He didn’t see any chocolate boxes, but she could have hidden it inside her trolley. 

Mayday, mayday, there was a packet in her arms as they walked to the house. He had just managed to calm his nan out a little, he didn’t need any more stress. 

A sharp elbow to the ribs made him come back to Earth. He looked down at his nan, who made a little gesture to the approaching guests. Ah, right, he was the man of the house now, right? He should really say something. 

‘Hi’ he managed to say, taking a couple of steps to reach Gheorghe. 

‘Hi Johnny! Nice to see you!’ Mariana said, smiling. For a moment he thought that it was going to be fun to get her to meet Robyn, somehow he felt that they were going to get along like a house on fire. 

‘Nice to see you too, I hope you had a decent flight’ he said, giving himself a pat on the shoulders mentally. That was what people say, right? 

Then, right when he thought he had done his duties, there was a moment when everybody was looking at each other, waiting for him to do something. 

‘Ah, wait, yes, Mariana, this is my grandmother Deirdre. Nan, Mariana’ 

The two women smiled at each other for a moment, before extending their arms to shake hands. 

‘It’s very nice to meet you’ Mariana said

‘Same here’ 

‘I bought you and Mr Saxby a present’ she said, passing on the parcel. 

Please let it be something she might like. Please let it be something she might like. 

‘Thank you very much. You didn’t have to bothered’ 

‘It’s nothing really. It was actually good fun for me and Gheorghe’s grandmother to do. It helped us pass the time in front of the television’ 

Ok, something handmade, good start. 

Deirdre looked at Johnny for a moment before opening the packet. Inside, there was a wool blanket and a scarf. Johnny recognised immediately the traditional Romanian patterns Gheorghe had told him about, the blanket with more subdued colours, the others with a slightly more colourful, flowery version. 

‘The boys said it can get very cold here, so we thought Mr Saxby might like an extra blanket when outside and yourself might like a new scarf’ 

Johnny looked at the two women and then at Gheorghe. What was his nan going to say? It was a perfect present for her: practical and useful...but what about the patterns? They were not exactly the kind of things English ladies would wear….

Deirdre looked at the scarf for a moment before unravelling it and, slowly, wrapped it around her neck. 

‘Thank you very much. It was really thoughtful of you’ 

Johnny felt happiness surge in his heart. 

Everything was going to be ok.

Well, he still hadn't sorted out one little problem: 

the wedding vows.


	2. Midnight calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A late night call between our boys before the big day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note English is not my first language and this chapter in unbetaed.
> 
> Enjoy :)

This was ridiculous. It was the third time Johnny checked the electronic clock on their bedside table. The third. He had always been a “face, pillow, sleep” sort of person, so this insomnia thing was a new experience and no, he didn’t like it one bit. Especially when he knew that the day ahead was going to be intense.  
He stretched himself in their bed. It seemed so big and wide since Gheorghe was not with him. He shook his head in the pillow, imagining it to be Gheorghe’s chest, but failing miserably as the warmth of it was his own, not his partner. 

The smell of Gheorghe’s skin wasn’t there. 

He moved and lied in Gheorghe side of the bed. 

Here, if he really concentrated, he could perhaps feel it a little more and the mattress, not about three years old, was starting to have a little indent where Gheorghe’s body normally lied. Johnny crumpled himself in it, trying again to imagine Gheorghe hugging him from behind, but the only thing that came into his mind, as clear as day, was the memory of that time, now so long ago, when Gheorghe was gone for real and Johnny was hiding his sorry ass in his room, wearing Gheorghe’s sweater as he tried to fill the painful void in his chest. 

Enough. This was ridiculous. He was awake anyway, he might as well make himself useful. 

Bad idea. He threw away the covers, sat up and, even in the darkness, he could feel the presence of that stupid piece of blank paper he had left on one of the shelves after, for the gazillion time, he had tried and failed to write sometime nice to tell Gheorghe at their wedding. He knew the paper was looking at him, sticking its papery tongue at him with vicious mockery. 

He brought his legs to his chest, hiding his face between his arms. He had had months, almost a year really, to try and write something. Anything really. And yet, nothing had come. Every single time he managed to find himself a moment alone to put his thoughts together and write something, the words, as usual, failed him, either jumbling themselves in his mind or coming out, one after the other, but, every time, they seemed to fail him. 

They always looked too cheesy, too empty, too stupid or fake. 

How difficult could it be to put in a sentence what he felt? He just wanted Gheorghe to know for certain what Johnny knew his partner knew already but deserved to know. For a long time, they hadn’t really spoken the words, it wasn’t in their nature….and yet, when Gheorghe had said it explicitly the first time, Johnny had felt some of his old wounds start to mend a little.

And on a day like their wedding, Gheorghe really needed to hear something nice. 

Johnny stood up and started to pace around the room. Great, absolutely great, he was going to be dead by tomorrow evening. How on Earth he was going to manage on his wedding night was a mystery. 

He checked the clock again. It was now almost midnight. It took him a lot of strength to stop himself before taking the clock and smashing it on the other side of the room.  
‘It’s not the clock’s fault’ he heard Gheorghe’s voice in his mind. 

No, maybe not. It was, really, Johnny fault, for agreeing to do something “traditional”, for once in his life. But how was it his fault? He had read in the stupid Romanian culture book Robyn had bought him that traditional Romanian weddings are a big thing for people, so, when Mariana had come up with that stupid idea to keep the pre-wedding separation, he had thought he could do it. He really could give Gheorghe something traditional in their very untraditional lives. 

He had not expected the loneliness to grip him so bad. 

He had not expected the ghosts of his past to come back and bite him so. 

Stupid Gheorghe. Did he even realise how important he was for him? 

Maybe he could call him. 

No, they had agreed. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Bollock, Johnny wanted to shout. 

He looked at the clock again. It was now midnight. Wait. That meant it was technically already their wedding day, right? Maybe he could call him. Calling is not seeing, tomorrow there was still going to be an amazing feeling at finally seeing Gheorghe back with him.

Enough. Johnny throw on at the first hoodie he found and, as quietly as he could, walked his way to the phone. 

He is probably asleep, he thought, feeling bad for a moment. 

Johnny was selfish and the need to hear Gheorghe’s voice was too great. 

Ring. Ring. Ring. 

‘Hello?’ 

Gheorghe’s voice. 

A shiver of pleasure rushed his way through Johnny’s body. 

‘…’ he tried to form words. But nothing came. 

Come back to me. I need you in our bed. I hate being without you. You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to tell me anything, I just want your warmth close to mine. 

‘John? Is everything ok? Is Martin alright?’ Gheorghe said, his voice going from sleepy to full blown alarm. 

Johnny’s pleasant feeling was immediately replaced by shame. He wanted to face palm himself. Of all things, he didn’t want Gheorghe to panic in the middle of the night. 

‘Yes, yes, all good. I helped him with a bath today, and he is sleeping now’ 

‘Good’ Gheorghe said simply. No mentioning that it was past midnight. No mentioning that he was sound asleep and that his mother might wake up too. 

His stupid, boundless patience.

God, he loved him so. 

‘Yes’ Johnny managed to say, smiling shily even though Gheorghe couldn’t see him. That was the first time he found himself happy that they had rubbish signal there and they couldn’t manage video chats, or whatever they were called. 

‘John?’ 

‘Yes’ 

‘What’s wrong?’ 

Damn him. Damn him and his perception. How did he know, from what little words they had exchange, that there was something wrong?

‘Nothing’ he replied, feeling so stupid. Why couldn’t he manage? He was not a kid and he was not that young man Gheorghe had managed from the precipice. He should be able to do this. 

He could do practical things. He could help with work, administrative stuff, and even cooking now, judging by the success of the dinner a week before. 

And yet talking feeling was still such a terrifying task. 

‘John?’ 

‘Nothing is wrong’ 

‘Are you sure? Is the marquee still standing? The weather forecast didn’t mention anything about strong winds but’ 

‘Yes, yes, stop worrying yourself’ Johnny said, smiling to himself. Patient and practical, Gheorghe’s best qualities. 

‘Everything is still standing as far as I can tell from the house. Robyn’s people have done a good job’ 

‘Yes, she knows her stuff’

‘Aye’ John said. 

‘John?’ 

‘Yes?’ 

‘What’s wrong?’ the vein of apprehension was still there. 

‘I told you, nothing’ 

The persistent little sod. 

‘Then why did you call? I thought we agreed on spending the night before the wedding separate’ 

There it was. Gheorghe deserved an explanation. Johnny clutched the phone handset with one hand, while the other was busy playing around with the cable.

‘Yes, we did. It’s just…’ 

His chest was burning as he felt divided between two opposite forces, one that told him to speak freely with the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and the other telling him that he should manage by himself. 

‘…’ For a moment, the strong, puritan approach was winning. 

‘John’ Gheorghe called once more. 

And that was all that was needed for the other force to win. The barrier crumbled and the words flood out, making his chest burning brighter. And yet, less painfully. 

‘It’s just weird, you know, so strange to move around in our bed and you are not there. The last time it happened it was horrible and’ 

‘The last time it happened it was for all the wrong reasons. This time is different’ Gheorghe said, his voice steadfast and sure. 

Johnny smiled. Gheorghe’s power of forgiveness was unbelievable. He wasn’t sure if he had done the same if the roles had been reversed.

That idiot Andrei had really lost out. 

‘I know, I know, but I don’t know’ he said, shaking his head. God, that really sounded stupid. 

‘It’s just weird. This thing is so stupid. Really, who was the idiot who came up with this tradition anyway?’ 

‘Do you want me to come back? It will take me a second’ Gheorghe replied. Johnny thought he even heard the rustling of the covers as Gheorghe maybe stood up in his room, ready for action. 

Idiot. You don’t have to always indulge me.

Yes please, continue to indulge me. 

‘No, no, stay there, it’s late, and I don’t want to risk losing you in a car accident’ 

‘I am a safer driver than you’ 

Johnny could picture Gheorghe’s fond smile as he mocked him. 

‘Whatever’ 

‘John?’ 

‘Yes’ 

‘Te iubesc’ Gheorghe said in a whisper. 

And, with just those to words that didn’t sound so foreign anymore, he felt safe again. 

‘Sap’ 

‘I miss you too, just so you know’ 

‘Good’ 

‘John?’

‘What?’ 

‘Do you want to say goodnight?’ 

‘No’ he replied immediately. True, he felt better, the anxieties of the night had gone. But he knew that, once back in his room, that stupid piece of paper would have mocked him again, making the pleasant feel go away. 

‘As you said, it’s late’ Gheorghe continue. 

The puritan in him roared back in his chest. There you go, see, you woke him again because you are a stupid, useless idiot. 

‘Yes, ok, b’ 

‘John, what is it?’ 

What was the point in hiding anymore?

‘I haven’t managed yet to write my vows’ he said, feeling pathetic when his voice came out so small.

‘That’s ok’ Gheorghe replied, with kindness in his voice. Johnny immediate reaction was anger. 

Northern men don’t take pity too kindly. 

‘No, it’s not. The wedding is tomorrow, and, at some point, I will be asked to say my vows to you, and I have no idea what to say in front of all those people. It’s out stuff, our feelings, and I don’t want to make a tit of myself and you deserve better and’ 

‘It’s ok’

‘How is it ok?’ Johnny replied, suddenly wanting to go back to his room and kill both the clock and the piece of paper. 

‘Do you remember what I told you when you were at my mother’s place?’ Gheorghe said, softly, with the same tone Johnny had heard him sometimes use with their animals. 

‘That we can close the door on what the world expects of us and be in our own world, with out rules’ Johnny replied, slowly, taking a deep breath, taking control of the anger. 

‘And we can do the same now’ 

‘How?’

‘We can still tell the official tomorrow that we just want to use the standard lines. And, if you want, we could just exchange our own vows privately, just the two of us’

‘…’ Johnny didn’t reply. The plan was sound. 

And yet, somehow, the words froze even more in is brain. How was it possible that he was feeling even more ashamed at the idea of uncovering his feelings to just Gheorghe?

Because it was Gheorghe. 

‘What do you think?’ Gheorghe said, bringing him back to earth. 

‘Sounds like a plan’ he managed to say, his throat feeling suddenly parched. 

‘Should I go first then?’ 

‘What, now?’ 

Alarm, alarm. SOS. What the hell was he going to do now? 

‘I’m ready whenever you want’ 

‘Ok then, let’s hear it’ Johnny replied, his body trembling. 

‘I love you John’ 

John let out a long, shaky breath. Lately, Gheorghe had said it always in Romanian, which was nice and lovely. 

But, somehow, hearing it in his language, made it more real. 

‘I vow to be there for you for as long as you will let me and’ 

The angry beast in his heart took that clue to show its head again. 

‘Of course, I would let you, what are you on about?

He couldn’t imagine self-inflicting himself this torture again. 

‘There might come a time when you might want distance from me’ 

‘Not in a million years’ Johnny replied immediately. Gheorghe had shown him steadfastness. He deserved to feel the same. 

‘You can’t know what the future holds’ Gheorghe replied. 

Johnny imagined him shaking his head a little. 

‘When it’s sometimes like this, I know’ Johnny replied. 

If you allow me, you will never be hurt anymore. 

‘I feel we are getting distracted’ Gheorghe said. Was he laughing? 

‘You should be flattered’ Johnny mumbled. This was already difficult as it was, laughing didn’t really help. 

‘I am. But let me continue, please. The point is that I vow to be there for you when you are going to be so happy that you feel you might burst and when the anger will be so strong that you will want to punch the sky and everything underneath it. I vow to be there for you when you will want to dance in the rain and when you want to hide away from the world. You will never be lonely again’ 

‘…’ Johnny didn’t know what to say. Or do. Suddenly, he wanted to laugh, cry, dance and stay completely still at the same time. 

Was that how happiness felt like?

‘John?’ Gheorghe said, with a vein of apprehension in his voice.

‘Yes?’ Johnny replied, his voice breaking just a tad. 

Keep it together Saxby. 

‘You alright?’ 

‘Yes’ 

‘Do you feel like it’s your turn? If not it’s not a problem, we can take our time, or you can just say nothing, it’s all good’ Gheorghe said. 

Johnny smiled, lifting his head to the ceiling. 

If there was a god, or a goddess, or whoever and whatever, he gave them thanks. Quietly, deep in his heart. So many things good have gone wrong, they could have punished him in so many ways, and yet, they had led Gheorghe to him. 

Thank you. 

‘Give me a moment’ 

‘Sure’ 

They were both quiet for a moment. Johnny felt his chest full of warmth just at hearing Gheorghe breathe. 

‘It’s unfair how good you are with words, you know’ 

‘Well, what can I say?’ Gheorghe replied. 

‘You are the best person I have ever met’ Johnny said. 

The words surprised him, coming out naturally, all in one go. Finally, they made sense. He made sense to himself. 

And, once they started coming, they didn’t finish. 

‘You make me want to be a better man. I vow to always try to be the best version of myself for you. I vow to be there to listen to your silences and respect them, and to give you all my strength when the world will look at us and judge you for who you are or where you come from. I vow to try my best to always bring you back to the hope that people will not always leave’ 

They were silent again. Johnny’s heart was burning with the waiting for Gheorghe to say something. 

When he heard Gheorghe’s breath catching for a moment, Johnny’s eyes felt prickly.

‘If I were there with you now, I would kiss you’ Gheorghe said. 

‘Sap’ he replied. But the real meaning was “me too”. 

‘Freak’ 

‘Are you feeling better?’ 

‘Still would have rather have you here, but yes, better’ 

‘See you tomorrow?’

‘See you tomorrow, good night’


	3. Here comes the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The big day is upon us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that English is not my first language and this work is unbetaed. 
> 
> I do sincerely apologise for the level of fluff of this chapter, but I had fun writing it and, in this difficult times, I think we all need a little comforting fluff.

After one of the most restful five hours he had had in a long time, Johnny woke up early. The sky was barely starting to light up, the birds were already singing aloud in the trees in that remote part of the world where they were, and he was happy. 

Wait, how can this be? Surely there must be something to be angry about, something to hate, his brain thought. 

Immediately, he felt his whole-body stress and his muscles get rigid, frozen in place. Something was wrong, somewhere. It just had to be. Had he forgotten something? Was Gheorghe really, really, serious about this whole situation? Was his dad ok? Ok that he had the new cover from Mariana and Iolanda, but what was going to happen if it was too cold out there?

He clutched his fists so tightly that he felt his knuckles hurt, but the pain seemed to bring his brain back to reality. A reality where there was no need to be constantly on edge. A reality where he could relax, even though his mind had not fully caught up with it, too used to things falling apart all the time.

As he relaxed his hands, he looked at the electronic clock with a smile of amusement on his face. The bloody thing was still there and, if it played its cards right in the years to come, it might survive a bit longer, batteries permitting.

The piece of paper was still there thought.

He knew that, and he knew that it didn’t matter too much anymore, surely, as Gheorghe and himself had a chat about it, it was all good. They had made their vows to each other and they could just stick with the normal, wedding like sentences, right? Robyn had made him try them a couple of times during the weeks before the wedding, half-mockingly, half-seriously, but now it was come in handy. 

It was all good. 

And yet, he had an idea. 

Slowly, he moved to take the piece of paper that had haunted his mind the whole night before and that, somehow, just like the clock had survived against all odds. Johnny looked at it as the words, long, foreign words were starting to dance in his mind. 

Could he really do it? 

Impossible. It was too big a thing to ask with his poor language skills. 

And yet, what do you have to lose, right? Only Gheorghe and Mariana would be able to understand him anyway, if he went along with that crazy plan forming in his head. 

Gheorghe would probably just smile fondly and maybe, later, in the privacy of their room, be extra sweet to him, while Mariana would probably just take his paper and a teacher like red pen before crossing off all the mistakes he was going to make. 

Not too bad, no?

Plus, he didn’t have to really tell anyway right now, anyway. He didn’t even have to tell Gheorghe of his plan. He could keep it a surprise and, if then, right in the moment, his courage would leave him, he could still stick with the plan, right?   
No biggy. 

Johnny reached for the paper and the first pen he found around their room and, letting his pre-breakfast mind loose, wrote a few sentences. 

When he came down, he was surprised to see his nan already up and about, with a cooked breakfast already there for him even though he didn’t have much time. He was up early to get going with a few jobs that needed to be sorted before the ceremony in the early afternoon. Because what the hell, he wanted to have a decent time at the party afterwards, and yes, drink a bit of booze, but not too much, and wake up late after a night spend with his husband. 

He might have not told Deirdre Saxby his intention, and yet, she already knew everything. 

‘Don’t get used to it. It’s just for today. You need your strength to get to the end of the day’ she said, as she deposited some more toast, already buttered too. 

‘Should I be getting married more often?’ he said, grabbing a piece. 

‘You are better not joke about it’ Deirdre replied, even though she didn’t seem so stern as she usually way. 

Ever since Gheorghe had started living with them, even his nan, the heart of the family, had started to defrost, little by little. 

‘He is the best bloody thing to have happened to this place in a while’ she said, not looking straight at Johnny as she walked her way back to the kitchen. 

Then she stopped, turned around and, this time, she was looking straight at him. 

‘Don’t go and muck it up’ 

‘Aye’ he said, nodding to her. 

He had no intention of doing so, but hearing her so fond of Gheorghe, made his chest warm. 

He came back to the house towards midday and already noticed Robyn running around with a couple of other people.  
He tried, really tried to slip away unnoticed. He was dirty and scruffy and really needed a wash. But it was all for nothing. She spotted him and rushed to him at the speed of light.

‘Are you still like this? Come on, get dressed and clean’ she said, clapping her hands. 

‘You know I actually have hard work to do, right?’ 

‘Yeah, yeah, I know, boohoo, the hard-squeezed British farmer’ she said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes as she smiled to him. 

‘I know the story. But today it’s finally a day of celebration. And I want it to be perfect’ she said. 

Johnny lowered his eyes as he smiled to himself. What on earth had he done to deserve that friendship?

‘You know, you can be terrifying when you want to’ he replied, giving her a little shove. 

‘And you can be a big sour puss. Come on, off you go to the bath or something. People should start arriving in an hour or so. And so will Gheorghe with Mariana’ 

‘People? What people?’ 

Did the two of them Robyn, his nan and dad and Mariana count as people?

‘I might have invited some people from school and those work people you told me about. The ones that buy your stuff and all. Weddings are a great way to strengthen business relations’ she said, with a wink.

For a moment, he was intensively angry with Robyn. He closed his fists and felt his face warm up.

Couldn’t she think things through? Didn’t she know how those people were like? Damn it, she knew him, surely, she should remember how he was when he was in his dark place, and some of those men and women were just like that. 

They had views. Strong, unchangeable views.

And then, he looked as his friend, who was in turn looking at him a little confused, and he realised that no, maybe she didn’t know what the problem was. She should know in theory, at least. Bloody hell, she had been with him when Farage had mentioned on telly how it was better to have German neighbours than Romanian ones, and that you should feel scared if you had any. 

But one thing is knowing it in theory, and one is knowing it in practice. 

And he knew it in practice. He had been there. He had seen the looks. He had heard the half-spoken words and the fully formed ones after one too many pints at the end of a long day’s work. He remembered Gheorghe’s hand on his closed fist and his voice telling him to keep calm and carry on, because that was a fight he could not win even if he tried, so just stay out of trouble. 

Pick your fights, he had told him. 

Back then, his fighting spirit had dampened a little, especially as business was flowing as normal and they hadn’t had any other anonymous letters.

After all, if Gheorghe was ok not to do anything, who was he to object?

And now, just because Robyn was too detailed orientated for her own good and had somehow memorised some names, those people might be at his wedding. Ok that it was probably good for connections and business, but really…

How was he going to find the courage to read what he had written down in that stupid paper?

Gheorghe voice rang in his head, saying “pick the right fights”. And having a fight with Robyn right there and then was not the right thing to do.   
She was his friend. And he desperately needed friends. 

He took a deep breath. 

‘I thought we said simple’ Johnny replied, as the paper he had written that morning was burning a whole in his pocket. 

‘Don’t worry, I planned it as simple as possible for a wedding. It’s all good’ she said, patting him on the shoulder, visibly relieved. 

He nodded, before walking to the house. 

He needed a bath, and a few minutes to think by himself. 

The bath helped. The hot water relaxed his muscles, the pain in his shoulders finally leaving him.   
And strengthened his resolution.   
He was going to do it. He was going to tell Gheorghe something very important in his language. 

‘Lad, it might be time to come out of the bath’ his nan said, knocking on the door, the sudden sound making him almost jump out of his skin. 

‘Coming!’

He smiled as lifted himself out of the bathtub. 

He thought he was going to be nervous the moments before getting married. He thought that, considering his family history of packing one’s bag and goodbye Vienna, he was going to feel so nervous he was going to bolt for the door. 

And yet he was there, drying himself carefully before dressing up. He looked up at the most reasonably priced suit he found, still on the hanger waiting, all wrapped up in plastic, on the wardrobe’s door. 

Of all things, the preparations, the vows, even the stupid people who may or may not be present at the most important even in his life, the quickly approaching moment of signing a paper to tell the world that Gheorghe was his, and he was Gheorghe’s seemed the most natural thing in the world. 

He put the suit on and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked awkward in it, all strange angles poking here and there. Also, that bloody waistcoat was making him feel claustrophobic. His skin felt a little itchy and he ached to take it off. He had never been one to wear things like that, and, as far as he could remember, he even hated with a passion the stupid uniform he had to wear at school for a while, with his teacher complaining a lot about his constantly crumpled up jacket. 

Gheorghe was going to look smoking hot in one of those suits though, he thought to himself. 

God, he was turning into such a mushy, sentimental idiot, he told himself, as he felt his heart bit accelerate. 

He lifted his gaze up to the mirror again and this time he smiled. Ok, maybe he was going to look awkward, maybe he was going to make a full of himself. 

But that night he was going to peel off every single item of clothing from his husband, the world be damned. 

When he came down to the living room, he found his nan and dad. They were both ready.   
He stopped himself from pointing out that his nan had put on a little pair of shiny earbuds. And was that a little make up?   
She would have just gone all prickly at any comments, but he was grateful to see that, for the two people that, for better or worse, he loved the most, today, this very moment, was so important to warrant all that effort. 

‘Shall we go?’ he said, managing to speak even though his voice came out all hoarse. 

‘Ready when you are. I believe Robyn had said they are ready for you’ his nan said. 

Were her eyes a little glassier than usual? 

‘Come’ his father managed to say. 

Johnny looked at him. He seemed well and aware of what was going on. 

Johnny, this time, was really being unable to speak. 

But there was no need for more words between them.

Johnny nodded. 

Slowly, they moved towards the marquees. There were two and they both looked like they were shining under the bright white sun light you get sometimes in their parts. Robyn had said that one was for the ceremony and the other for the party. Was it just his impression, or he could smell some food being cooked?

As he moved forward pushing his father’s wheelchair, he noticed Robyn further down. She was already waiting at the entrance of one of them. Her smile, from cheeky, had turned into one of utter happiness, going from one side of her face to the other. 

‘You alright?’ she said, when they reached her. 

‘I think so’ he said, as his heart started to speed up as he looked inside. 

There were already people waiting there, sat on the white and gold chairs that Robyn’s men had set up on the grass. He recognised a few of the younger faces as some people he used to know in school. If anybody would have asked their names, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them, but he was sure that, if there had been any bad memories associated with them, he would have remembered. 

He was that good when it came to bad stuff.

He noticed the neighbours, Peter the policeman and his daughter, who was finally back from her travels and pregnant with her first child, and a few people from work.   
Particularly, he recognised James Mckee, another farmer they met before at the markets. 

The same one that, one time, had said that he was glad that, finally, that all Romanians were, deep down, thieves.   
He, drunk as hell, had then proceeded to pat Gheorghe on the back, shouting that, of course, he didn’t mean Gheorghe, because Gheorghe was, deep down, the good type of Romanian. 

Later that night, under Johnny’s pressure to see him have a reaction for once in his life, Gheorghe had replied that it was not the first time he had heard people saying that, after all, after all his “Romanianess” and natural proclivity to be a criminal, he was actually “good”.   
Johnny hadn’t replied then. He had only made sure that, once in the privacy of their own room, had been an extra attentive lover. 

His nan’s grip on his arm brought him back to reality. Deirdre looked at him with a little concern in her eyes, but Johnny shook his head. All was good. He didn’t have neither the time, nor the will, to pay attention to idiots like that, so he focused his attention to the rest of Robyn’s work.   
In the corner, there was a young man with an expensive looking violin, gently playing classical music pieces he had no clue what they were, but they sounded quite jolly, interspersed with violin-based remixes, of modern songs. The whole place was decorated with flowers and, at the end of the aisle made by the chairs there was a wedding arch made of plants, with a woman in formal attire waiting for them. 

It was simple. Just what they had asked. 

‘Best of luck’ he thought he heard Robyn said, but, suddenly, in his mind there was only a strong buzzing sound. 

He had to walk down to where the officiant was waiting. All the eyes of all those people he had not talked to in forever where going to be on him. 

Come on, he told himself right after. He could do this. 

Screw everybody else. 

Gently, he moved his dad forward, and his nan walked slowly next to him, directed to the first row of seats.   
Then, he took his position next to the officiant, a lady in her late forties, who smiled at him. She seemed amused. Was it that obvious that he was shitting himself, that his heart-beat was running laps in his chest, that his suit was making him itchy and sweaty and that he was super surprised not to have turned into a puddle on the ground? 

The sound of a car parking was heard above the gentle music. 

Gheorghe had arrived and Johnny wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore. He could turn around, he could have probably seen him further in the distance through the opening of the marquee. And yet his gaze was fixed right in front of him. 

He couldn’t trust himself to look. 

The music changed and he recognised distinctively the melody of Here Comes the Sun from the Beatles. 

Robyn knew exactly what she needed to do to break through all of Johnny’s defences. 

He looked for a moment at the officiant, who smiled and said: 

‘You might want to turn’ 

And, even though he didn’t trust his legs to keep on sustaining him, Johnny Saxby turned.   
Gheorghe was there, slowly advancing through the aisle with Mariana holding to his arm. He looked amazing in his dark coloured suit. 

But that didn’t matter. None of those details mattered because Gheorghe was looking at him with his quiet smile and slightly blushed cheeks. 

Johnny felt his eyes prickle. He tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down as he watched Mariana give a quick kiss to Gheorghe’s cheek. She waved at Johnny before going to seat hear his nan. 

And finally, finally Gheorghe was walking back to him, stopping only a few steps away. 

For a moment, there were only the two of them. 

Johnny didn’t hear a word the woman said. The buzzing in his head started again as his eyes couldn’t leave his now very soon to be husband. 

He saw him moving his lips, saying something.

‘Your turn Johnny’ the woman said, bringing him back to reality. Gheorghe chuckled softly. 

‘Oh, oh, yes’ 

And now it was the moment of truth. 

‘I wanted to say something’ he said, his voice hoarse. He tried his best to avoid crossing eyes with Gheorghe as he took the little damn paper out of his pocket.

‘Here it goes. I, John Saxby, Îți voi lua dragostea ca să-mi dea speranță, să-mi dea bucurie și să mă facă un om mai bun. Promit să ascult, să aud și să vă consider mereu sentimentele și gândurile în timp ce călătorim împreună în această călătorie. Jur că vă voi iubi, onora și prețui, părăsind pe toți ceilalți, ca un soț credincios, atâta timp cât vom trăi amândoi’

He lifted his eyes from the paper. 

The only sound in the room was the music of the violin. And the deafening rumble of Johnny’s heart. 

Johnny swallowed, tried to make his throat a little less dry, as his eyes found Gheorghe’s. 

His husband’s eyes were glassy, and his chest was heaving. Johnny watched him as he brought a hand to the side of his face, rubbing hear his right eye discreetly. 

The wave of pride he felt in his chest made Johnny feel over the moon. 

In your face world. In your face James Mckee. In your face past me. I love this man, and I don’t care where he comes from. 

The officiant politely coughed and said:

‘I do need to hear you saying your vows in a language I understand, otherwise the wedding won’t be valid’ 

‘Oh, oh, shit, sorry’ Johnny said. 

‘I said’ he coughed a little, trying to compose himself again: 

‘I will take your love to give me hope, give me joy, and make me a better man. I promise to listen, to hear, and to always consider your feelings and thoughts as we travel together on this journey. I vow to love, honour, and cherish you, forsaking all others, as a faithful husband as long as we both shall live’

‘Thank you. I now declare you partners for life. You may now kiss each other’

Johnny didn’t know if the officiant managed to finish her sentence before he finally, finally closed the distance between himself and Gheorghe and kissed him. 

And kissed him once more, getting kissed back. 

Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I didn't write Johnny's vows, all credits go to a website I found on Google. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this :) Do let me know what you think, any comments/feedback are very much appreciated :)


	4. Yorkshire's sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny and Gheorghe sneak away from the wedding party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that English is not my first language and this work is unbetaed.
> 
> Please, please note the change of rating for this chapter. I wasn't sure really if adding this chapter or not, it's not really important for narration reasons or anything, but I felt like it might be needed, especially after the wedding chapter. 
> 
> Do let me know what you think and any feedback would be very appreciated as this was a sort of writing exercise to push my boundaries a little, as I don't think I am very comfortable/good at writing this kind of scenes.

The party was well underway. Some people were chatting, others were not leaving the buffet table or had way too many drinks at the open bar that Robyn’s people had somehow organised in the marquee next door to where they had gotten married.

Others were dancing. Ok, maybe not many of them yet, after all it was still quite early, but Johnny was way too sober to even consider joining them. He had sweated already like crazy when he thought he was going to have to do a first dance or something, but Robyn had patted him on the shoulder and told him not to worry, that she was evil, but not too evil.   
And, whilst he hated even the idea of moving around on that impromptu dance floor, his friend was already there, wiggling away and laughing with a couple of their old classmates to some old song. Was that guy Josh...Josh Mc...oh, whatever his name was, judging by how his eyes seemed glued to Robyn and hers to him, his best friend was going to reintroduce them soon. 

‘She did a good job, didn’t she?’ 

A shiver of pleasure went down his spine as he turned to face his now husband. Gheorghe was finally by his side, slightly red cheeked, perhaps because of the heat in the marquee, perhaps because of a little bit too much to drink, as people were keeping on putting drinks in their hands. 

Ah, people. Stupid, bloody people.

Since the party had started, they had hardly had time for themselves, with so many people (well, “many” for their standards of hanging around with the usual three people all the time) keeping on talking to them. So many faces Johnny was never going to remember tomorrow, not that he really cared. What he did care about, was that they didn’t seem to leave him alone.

But finally the stars aligned, everybody lost interest in them and went to have a good time. 

Nobody was looking at them. 

‘Aye’ he replied, as a sketch of a plan was starting to develop in his head. 

‘Listen’ Gheorghe started, but, for as much as he had vowed to always listen and all, he interrupted his husband and said, all in one breath:

‘Do you want to get out of here?’ 

Gheorghe’s quiet smile quirked his husband’s lips in the cheekiest expression his face allowed him to do. 

‘I was about to ask you the same. Come’ 

Johnny looked around himself, checking one more time that nobody was looking, and followed Gheorghe out of the marquee.  
His roughly sketched out plan had involved just stepping out of the marquee to just run around the back of the house or somewhere else quiet to have a proper snog or something. But something told him Gheorghe had a much more detailed action plan in mind as he purposely walked to the bike, near which he had left a full looking rucksack. 

‘Are you ok to take that?’ Gheorghe said, as he sat down, ready to drive off. 

‘Where are we going?’ Johnny replied, as he did as he was asked, the curiosity mounting. 

‘Wouldn’t you want to know?’

Oh yes he wanted to know, but Gheorghe’s gaze, charged with desire, was enough to make the fire that was slowly burning under his skin since that morning, explode. 

Without any further question, they were off. 

It didn’t take Johnny long to recognise where they were and, if at all possible, the sight in front of him made his desire even stronger. They were going back where everything had started, back to the patch of land where they had attended their farm’s sheep. 

Gheorghe stopped the bike and, silently, they both slipped off. 

For a moment, they stood there together, looking at the ramshackled little building. 

Images of that night flooded into Johnny’s memory: 

Gheorghe’s slow movements against his own fast and aggressive ones;

his own skin burning as his lover caressed him with tenderness he had never experienced before; 

the sheer pleasure of coming when it meant something. 

‘Come’ Gheorghe’s low voice said, making Johnny almost jump out of his skin when his husband took his hand. 

Johnny let himself be guided. His body, even before his mind clicked in, knew that, in the whole wide world, he could trust that man fully and unconditionally. 

Gheorghe didn’t head to the little building, but led him across the field, right where Johnny had given him the first blow job, not knowing yet that it had been the first of a long series. 

Silently, Gheorghe took out from the rucksack a blanket he spread over the ground. 

He knelt on it before turning to look at Johnny, who, with his heart beating a crazy rhythm, followed suit, kneeling right in front of Gheorghe. 

One more moment of perfect stillness before the storm. 

Neither of them could take anymore that slow burning pace. Johnny grabbed Gheorghe by the waist, dragging him closer, as Gheorghe kissed him fiercely. 

Closer, I want you closer, Johnny thought, as he moved his hands to help Gheorghe out of his jacket. 

‘Wait, wait’ Gheorghe said. 

It took a considerable effort for Johnny to stop himself. His whole body was on fire and Gheorghe’s one was the only medicine.

You got to have a perfectly valid reason for this, Johnny was about to say, but his voice died when Gheorghe, gently, cupped his face. 

‘There is something that I have wanted to do for a very, very long time. Would you let me do it?’ Gheorghe asked. 

The fire inside Johnny roared loudly in him as he saw that crazy mixture of passion and determination in Gheorghe’s eyes. 

Silently, Johnny nodded. 

Gheorghe’s hands slowly moved to Johnny’s suit jacket, sliding it down his arms, living pleasant shivers on their way. Johnny watched him take the garment and fold it properly before putting it aside. 

He looked back at Johnny for a moment, as if he was waiting for some kind of confirmation to continue. Immediately, without the shadow of a doubt, Johnny nodded. 

You have me. You can do anything you want to me, don’t be scared. 

Gheorghe’s hands were back on him, unknotting the tie before taking their time to open, little by little, all his waistcoat and shirt’s buttons. 

Johnny’s breathing was coming faster now, as the cold air of the early evening slammed against his overheated skin. 

‘Tell me if you are cold’ 

‘The cold is the last thing on my mind now’ 

Gheorghe lifted his gaze from where he had put Johnny’s properly folded shirt and, with a cheeky, little smile, he simply said:

‘Good’

Johnny didn’t smile back as all his energies were being used to keep his hands steady as they itched so badly to touch, grab, bring Gheorghe’s body close to his. 

‘Can you, you know’ he managed to say, indicating Gheorghe’s chest with his chin. 

‘Of course’ 

He didn’t seem to take the same amount of care with his own suit, as he quickly took his clothes off, baring his chest to the elements and to Johnny’s hungry gaze. 

Johnny couldn’t take that anymore and moved quickly to pass his arms around Gheorghe’s waist. 

Both of them moaned in pleasure as the feeling of skin on skin.

‘Wait’ Gheorghe stopped him again.

‘Why?’ Johnny said, frustrated, as he peppered kisses up and down Gheorghe’s warm neck. 

‘Johnn’

‘Give me one good reason’ he said, pushing back slightly as Gheorghe tried, albeit weakly, to make him stop. 

If it was up to Johnny, he would never stop. 

‘I never reciprocated’ 

‘What?’ 

This time, Johnny moved away enough to look Gheorghe straight in the eye. He certainly had not expected that for an answer. 

And then, suddenly, all the pieces of the puzzle clicked. 

‘You have one dirty mind’ Johnny replied, with a cheeky grin on his face as he lay down on the cover. 

‘I learnt from the best’ Gheorghe replied, as he helped Johnny out of what remained of his clothes.

They looked at each other for one last second. 

And then, finally, Gheorghe’s hot, wet mouth was on his cock. Johnny moaned loudly, unashamed, arching his back as his husband, slowly, inched forward, soon taking him all in. 

For a moment, everything was white hot.

Automatically, Johnny tried to bring his hands to Gheorghe’s curls, wishing for more as he could never have enough of that perfect mouth. But Gheorghe grabbed his wrists and pinned him to the ground. Johnny moaned when his husband abandoned his erection to look down on him and say:

‘I am in charge here. Like you were that time’ 

Johnny squirmed in pleasure. He didn’t use to like giving control away. And yet, in that very moment, with the town in the distance and the blue sky of their land above the, Johnny couldn’t have asked for anything else. 

‘Come on then’ he managed to say. 

Gheorghe didn’t need him to be told twice and, faster than lighting, was back on him. 

Johnny lied back down again, eyes wide open as he looked up at the Yorkshire sky.


	5. Vows in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gheorghe receives very bad news from Romania and the boys need to come up with an emergency plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this work is unbetaed and English is not my first language.
> 
> This chapter is partly based on my personal experience of losing someone when you are far away from them.
> 
> I hope you will enjoy reading this and I promise next chapter will be a little happier.

Iolanda, Gheorghe’s grandmother, was diagnosed with cancer on a quiet, November afternoon, the first November after their wedding

At first, Gheorghe didn’t tell him anything about it. 

Gheorghe had called home before coming back from the village, where they had gone to buy a few bits and bobs for Deirdre and Martin, and Johnny had just thought that he had the usual chat with the Romanian ladies. He had noticed how Gheorghe tended to always be a little quieter, not necessarily sadder anymore, just quieter, after talking to them. One time, Gheorghe had joked that he had just needed a minute to recover after the onslaught of chit-chats from the girls, so Johnny hadn’t worried too much. 

It was when they were about to go to sleep that evening, after Gheorghe had not spoken a word during dinner (to the point that even Deirdre had given him a side, questioning look wanting to check that everything was alright with their inhouse Romanian), that Gheorghe, finally spilled the beans.

‘It’s my grandmother. The doctors gave her only a few months to live’ 

Johnny sat down on the bed next to his husband. That little sentence, said as if Gheorghe was just talking about the weather, felt like a punch in the gut, dragging his mind all the way back to that horrible phone call when his dad had had a stroke. And, with his dad, they had been lucky, as his nan had said they had been so close to losing him, while this sounded like a death sentence. 

Time was running out. 

What was going to happen now? The girls were going to need some help, they needed to make sure everything was ok and comfortable during Iolanda’s last few months and... what was going to happen to Mariana? Was she going to be ok alone after Iolanda’s passing? She had seemed so full of life, but Johnny knew what loneliness can do to people. 

‘You need to go back’ Johnny said, stopping the whirling thoughts in his head. 

Focus Johnny, focus. 

‘What would be the point?’ Gheorghe said, his voice deep and barely audible. 

‘What do you mean what would be the point? Johnny replied, frowning. Of all things he had expected Gheorghe to say, that really didn’t fit with what he knew about his caring, loving husband.

‘Your mother and your nan need you’ 

‘They need me, yes. But how is this going to work? We are talking about months, not days. To make a real difference I would have to go back there for god knows how long and’ 

‘And we will do it. You must go. We will manage’ Johnny replied. He could very well imagine a scenario where, if it had been him, if he couldn’t be near his nan at the last moment, he would have felt guilty for the rest of his life. And he couldn’t have Gheorghe go through that. They had both worked far too hard for their happiness to have it shuttered by fear and guilt. 

Gheorghe shot him the coldest look he had ever seen him do. 

‘And how do you plan on doing that?’ 

Johnny’s heart started to pound much faster now as he could read, in Gheorghe’s eyes, all the pressure that question was putting on both their shoulders. 

He didn’t have a plan. He really should have thought about a situation like this and he hadn’t. And now he had to improvise because Gheorghe needed an answer, just like that horrible day in the pub, so long ago now, when he was expecting Johnny to think. To be an adult. 

‘As usual. My nan and I and’ he heard himself blubber, even though he himself knew that that was not a feasible plan. 

‘You know Deirdre doesn’t have the same strength as before’ Gheorghe hissed. Johnny frowned again for a moment. Yes, ok, Deirdre’s knees were getting worse, but the hell she was going to stay put when she was needed to help around. And this wasn’t just to help cover up for Johnny’s mistakes, like back in the day. This was an honest to God emergency. 

But why was Gheorghe getting so angry? 

‘We can hire extra help for a bit. We have done it before, we can do it again’ Johnny said, giving him a little punch on the thigh, hoping to lighten up the mood a little. 

‘With what money?’ Gheorghe replied. 

Looking into his husband’s face, Johnny felt small. It felt as if Gheorghe was enjoying torturing him. 

‘We have money. Through your cheese ideas and good management, we have’ 

‘And use all the emergency cash we have set aside for emergencies?’ 

‘This sounds a lot like an emergency to me’ Johnny replied, looking straight at Gheorghe, trying to find any indication of what was going on in his mind. He would have understood sadness, he would have understood anger. This obstinacy didn’t make any sense. 

And he was done being scared of it. 

Gheorghe didn’t reply. He just sat there, his eyes planted on the floor in front of him. 

Johnny didn’t say a word, he just moved a little closer, making sure that their legs were touching, hoping that the contact, that shared heat, could help his husband relax a little.   
They just sat there, side by side, for what felt like forever, till finally Gheorghe said: 

‘Let’s go to bed’ 

Johnny decided not to push. If he didn’t want to explain himself, if he didn’t want to say why, for once, he was the stubborn ass and not him, Johnny was going to give him some time. 

The morning after Gheorghe was quiet again, just limiting himself to be polite to Deirdre, who had made them both breakfast and then they were off to work again. 

Ever since the beginning of his relationship with Gheorghe, work on the farm had turned from the darkest, dullest, and most oppressive part of his life, to being one, if not of joy, at least of pleasantness. He had started to take pride in caring for the sheep, in mending fallen walls, in helping Gheorghe with his stinky cheese. 

But that morning, with Gheorghe as silent as a stone, tension was growing and flashbacks of a time he didn’t want to think about anymore were starting to knock on his door. 

And that was enough. 

‘Do you want to tell what the hell is wrong with you?’ 

He didn’t add how he thought they had been wasting time, that Gheorghe could be already booking his flight tickets and Johnny and Deirdre could be posting a job vacancy online or something (well, more like Robyn would have had to do it, but it still counted). 

Gheorghe stopped. Johnny watched him strike the cow next to him gently, his gaze looking at her but, somehow, it seemed to be very far away.

‘You are right. I am sorry’ 

Johnny stayed silent. He hoped Gheorghe knew he was implying “apologies accepted” and was giving him time to continue. 

‘It’s just that this situation has been my deepest fear’

‘Fear?’ 

Gheorghe took a deep breath before, finally, turning to look straight at Johnny.

‘You remember when we talked about how it is to leave away from where you were born?’ 

‘Yes’ Johnny replied, feeling his skin suddenly getting way colder than it should be. He didn’t like where this was going. To be fair, he didn’t like anything he suspected could hurt Gheorghe. 

‘And you remember how I told you about the good sadness, and that sadness can be good right?’ 

‘Yes’ Johnny replied, slowly nodding, stopping himself from telling him to get a move on, because he was dying to know, to understand. 

And, at the same time, he was scared to hear Gheorghe continue. His husband's face, normally so quiet and peaceful, was creased by frowns. 

‘Underneath all of that, underneath the happiness to go back to see those places and those people that remind you of happy times in the past, there is the ugly head of the fear that, one day, you will be back and those people would be gone. And you weren’t there to help. And that day is coming and’

Gheorghe stopped talking. He looked at Johnny one more time, before busying himself with the beasts. 

Gheorghe was scared and that fear had blocked him. His husband, the one that, long before, had finally spurred Johnny into living instead of just surviving, was so scared he couldn’t think. 

Johnny let go of the tools he was, somehow, still holding, and, slowly but purposefully, he walked to him and dragged him into a hug. Gheorghe’s body was stiff against him, but Johnny didn’t let go and finally, he felt him relax against him. 

‘You are going to Romania as soon as possible’ he said against the skin of Gheorghe’s neck. 

‘But we can’t afford it’ 

‘We can. We will use the money and, when you are back, we will make some more, and we will rebuild that emergency money. But you will go’ he said, pouring all the strength and determination he had left in those words.

Gheorghe passed his arms around Johnny’s waist. 

‘Thank you’ 

‘No need to thank me’   
Gheorghe kissed him gently on the cheek and didn’t move his arms from around him. For a little while they just stayed like that, enjoying the closeness and the warmth. 

‘Will you be ok on your own?’ 

‘Of course. I will be ok’ 

‘Just try not to fall for any helper you might hire’ 

Johnny pushed him away at that point, but with a cheeky smile on his face. 

‘No risk of that anyway, with Brexit and all I might be able to find only some shitfaced English guy anyway’

‘They can be very prickly, but they have their charms’ 

‘Faggot’ 

‘Freak’ 

Gheorghe left three days after. Johnny took a picture of him with his mind. He had looked tired after a whole night spent doing more enjoyable activities than just sleep, but, underneath the sleepy eyes, he could tell he was relieved, as he waved goodbye and disappeared inside the train station.   
Johnny waited around the station a little longer. He guessed it was a sign of those uncertain times, but it hadn’t taken too long, maybe a day, before they had received a few applications to work on the farm with him.   
Gheorghe had wanted to interview the best to candidates on paper, because one thing is saying that you can work on a farm and another was to actually be able to do so, but Johnny, and to his surprise Deirdre too, that put their foot down and insisted that they didn’t have enough time to muck about. If the best candidate on paper proved to be useless, they could still send him away and search for someone else.   
‘You are jealous because he is another Romanian?’ Johnny asked, half seriously, half-jokingly. He had been surprised himself, he would have thought that now it was going to be only British helpers, but instead Traian had applied. He wasn’t a citizen like Johnny, but he had gotten that “settled status” electronic card thing, or whatever it was, so he was good to go.   
‘Maybe’ 

But Gheorghe hadn’t had any reason to worry. Traian was a man in his mid-forties who was working his socks off to send some money back to his wife and two children back home. He turned out to be of great use, a hardworking man that knew exactly what to do. Sometimes it almost felt he was the one in charge, giving Johnny pieces of advice and all.   
But the best piece of advice came when, a few weeks after him starting work on the farm, he asked some details about Gheorghe and, when Johnny told him Gheorghe had gone back to Romania for a while to be close to his grandmother, Traian became quite serious. 

‘What?’ 

‘Sorry, it’s none of my business’ 

‘Come on’ Johnny replied. Normally he would have let it slip, he wasn’t one to force people to talk when they didn’t want to, but they were talking about Gheorghe, and, as it felt that this Traian guy, with all his Romanian knowledge and all, knew something more about Gheorghe than he did, it pissed him off. 

‘Have you ever had someone you knew dying?’ Traian asked while continuing to work. Johnny was grateful he didn’t look up at him. 

‘No’ but they had been very close. And he had hated every single minute of that experience. 

‘Be careful when he comes back. If he was that close to this member of the family, he will be confused, and he will try to fill the void in unexpected ways. Give him time’ 

‘Fill the void? How can you fill the void of someone who died?’ Johnny asked. 

‘Exactly. You can’t’ Traian said. 

Johnny and Gheorghe couldn’t talk over the phone nearly as much as Johnny would have wanted, but between the time difference and their different duties, it just wasn’t working too great. 

‘How is she?’ Johnny had asked one night. Somehow, during all their chats, they had always avoided talking about Iolanda. Johnny hadn’t asked and Gheorghe hadn’t shared. 

‘She said to bring you her greetings and that she was pleased to see you looked so happy during the wedding’ 

‘In most of the pictures your mum took I looked like an absolute plonker’ he said, happy to hear that she was still fighting. 

Gheorghe came back three months later. After the funeral. 

And everything, for a couple of days, felt as if nothing had happened. Gheorghe looked normal, sounded normal, behaved with Deirdre and Martin just like three months before. He said that Mariana was ok, that she was still going to teach and that she was starting to consider online dating, which he said he thought was a good idea even if the thought of his mother of dating apps was a little odd, but hey. 

Maybe Traian had been wrong. Maybe Gheorghe was reacting ok to the loss. Johnny didn’t prod at all, enjoying having his husband back in their bed. He hadn’t mentioned it once to him, but all those days and nights without him close had been difficult. 

And then, one night, quite suddenly, when they were both already in bed, Traian’s words came back to him straight away when Gheorghe said: 

‘I think we should adopt a child’ 

Johnny lifted himself up. The thought had been running around in his mind for about a year by then, but he had never said a word, even though he knew that Gheorghe would have been great with a child. 

Part of him was happy to hear Gheorghe say that. But the other part was worried. 

Was he trying to fill the void?

‘Why do you say that?’

‘You don’t want a child?’ Gheorghe replied. He was still lying down, and in the darkness of the room Johnny couldn’t see his face. Yet, he didn’t turn the light on for as much as he wanted to do it, giving his husband some privacy. 

‘Yes, actually. I have been thinking about it for a while now. I am just surprised that you would mention it now’ 

Shouldn’t you take some time to process what just happened? 

‘We might need someone to take care of us when we are old’ Gheorghe said. Johnny felt his husband grip on the duvet increase. 

Johnny didn’t reply immediately, and Gheorghe continued: 

‘I don’t want either of us to be alone if something were to happen and’ 

‘Gheorghe sit up’ Johnny said, this time turning the light on. 

Gheorghe didn’t fight it or complained. He sat up even though he didn’t look straight into Johnny’s face. 

Johnny took his husband’s hands and said:

‘I want a family with you. Yes, absolutely. I have wanted it for a long time. But not for that reason. If we will be blessed enough to get a kid or two, they will be free. We will love them and support them, but we will not imprison them. I have been there, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And’   
He squeezed Gheorghe’s hands more. 

‘You will never be alone’ 

Gheorghe smiled his quiet smile and Johnny’s heart broke a little at that sight. It was going to take a little time to heal, but his Gheorghe was still there. 

‘Since when have you become so wise’ 

‘I live with you, it was bound to happen’ Johnny replied, kissing both Gheorghe’s hands. 

‘Thank you’ 

‘Nothing to thank me for’ 

They lied back on the bed, Gheorghe spooning him. Johnny kept his eyes closed but willed himself to stay awake till he was certain that Gheorghe was asleep. 

And there and then he took one more vow to someone he didn’t know yet. 

‘If you are already on this earth, wherever you are, I promise you that here, in this house, you will be free. You will have two loving parents and you will have a farm to call your own if you want or we will support you if you want to go away and become a professional artist, or a dancer, or whatever. I will fight with all I have to set you free’


	6. To be a good father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's anxieties rack up the day Michael, his adoptive son, is to join them officially as Michael Ionescu-Saxby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note English is not my first language and this work in unbetaed.

Michael was here. 

Well, not here, here yet, but he was on his way, the social service people were going to bring him to the farm officially at 12 on the dot. And, if Johnny had learnt something in all those months of going through documentation and meeting after meeting with the relevant authorities, the social service people were always on time. 

He still had fifteen minutes to go, and, for all his efforts, he couldn’t seem to be able to slow his heart down.

He was standing in the little room they had created for him. It had taken a little reshuffling of people and furniture, but they had managed to create four walls just for him because, if Michael’s eyes had told him something the first time they met, the little five year old deserved his own space. 

Johnny clenched his fists at the memory of the first time he laid eyes on his soon to be son. 

Michael was so little and yet Johnny had seen loneliness shine in them, the same loneliness that had turned into anger inside Johnny so many years ago. He was so young, and yet that little boy had already learnt neglect. 

Were they going to be able to fill that void in Michael before it was too late? 

Gheorghe was more than capable of doing that. Johnny could already picture it as clear as day. He was going to take Michael in like a little, wounded lamb and care for him with gentle touches and soft words, Johnny was sure of that. 

He wasn’t so sure about himself.

Gheorghe kept on insisting that Johnny was going to be a good dad, because he was loyal, caring and blah, blah, blah, but, first and foremost, because he was never going to make the same mistakes Martin had made with Johnny. 

Johnny took a deep breath as he tried to relax his shoulders, knowing that Michael needed him to be at his best, he couldn’t present himself as the bundle of anxiety he actually was. 

How could Gheorghe be so sure? he thought again, as his mind completely disregarded his rational thoughts and continued on its anxious tangent.

How can you be a good father when you have no idea what a good father is like? You might even know it in theory, from the movies or the soap operas his nan watched in secret (at least she thought she was being secretive). But in practice, he only knew how fathers show disappointment and disregard, how they don’t listen to their children’s point of view because they are too wrapped up in their own anxieties and trauma. 

And Johnny had a lot of those to last him a lifetime. How could he be sure to not impose his own issues on Michael?

There was the heart of the problem. The social services had made a mistake. They should find Michael a nice, warm place, with a nice dad with a white-collar job and a mum that knows how to make cookies. They were going to leave him with them only to come back to collect him back the day after and plunge Johnny in the darkest of pits. 

He shook his head. He was a real mess.

He almost jumped out of his skin when his husband’s warm hand gently closed on his own. 

Johnny lifted his gaze to find Gheorghe, who simply nodded. 

Could they really do it? Johnny felt a knot in his stomach at the thought that, clearly, Gheorghe trusted him so much. 

They could do it, right?

They stayed like that for a little while, hand in hand in that little room, with the little bed, the wardrobe, the few toys scattered here and there. 

Johnny had insisted on the toys. 

On that first day, when they met him the first time in the presence of the social worker, he had told them, when the little boy had finally felt comfortable enough to chat a little, that he liked Lego and stuff toys. That day in particular he had been clutching to his chest a little teddy bear dressed in tartan that he had called “Scottish McTeddy”, which Johnny had thought was the most brilliant name and, even though they barely knew Michael at that point, he had felt a surge of pride at that little genius.

So, he had done all he could to make sure that there were new stuffed toys ready in his room, and a couple of easy Lego sets. Mariana had sent through super special delivery a little set of wooden blocks that, according to the letter she added, were Gheorghe’s passion as a child. 

Johnny raised his eyes to the bookshelf where another stuffed toy was watching the scene: it had been his own, a little blue elephant called Eddy, who had been with him through...

The sound of a car stopping blocked any other sensible thoughts in his mind.

It was time.

Johnny felt like he was about to puke any moment now. 

'Breathe John’ Gheorghe said in a whisper. 

‘I am trying’ Johnny replied, the anxiety in his body turning into anger in his voice. 

Gheorghe kissed in on top of his head before leading him out of the room. 

‘All will be well’ 

If you think so, Johnny thought, as, despite his heart racing like a rabbit on drugs, followed Gheorghe downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologise for the shortness of this chapter. 
> 
> My original idea was to make one long chapter about the arrival of Johnny and Gheorghe's adopted son, but then I thought that perhaps splitting it was a good idea as I thought it was interesting to highlight a little Johnny's anxieties regarding Michael's arrival, his fear about being a father and all. Let me know if I managed to make them come across ok. 
> 
> The next, longer part, should be up in the next couple of days. 
> 
> Also, my knowledge of the British adoption system is non existent, so apologies :)


	7. The light is on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael enters Johnny and Gheorghe's life and Johnny confronts his fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this work is unbetaed and English is not my first language.

Sadie, the social worker, left far faster than Johnny thought possible. She waved Michael and the two of them goodbye and that was that. 

He was a father now. Gheorghe Ionescu and Johnny Saxby were officially parents. 

What now? 

Michael was quiet, just standing there with his teddy. Under his light brown mop of hair, his bright green eyes were studying everything he could see in the living room. 

What now?

Half panicked, Johnny turned to Gheorghe, who smiled, so relaxed and nonchalant, and, as just as if it was the most normal thing in the world, he said: 

‘Do you want to go and see the animals?’ 

Michael’s eyes suddenly sparkled with curiosity. Sadie had told them over and over again how curious Michael was but that sometimes he struggled to voice it. Johnny felt himself finally breathe when Michael nodded. 

‘Come’ Gheorghe said, stepping forward.

‘Make it quick though, lunch is almost ready’ Deirdre shouted from the kitchen. 

‘How long do we have?’ Johnny shouted back, automatically. 

‘Twenty minutes tops’ she replied. 

‘Alright’ 

He turned immediately at the light sound of an amused giggle. And it wasn’t Gheorghe. 

Michael was chuckling away, covering his mouth with a hand. For a moment, he looked just like any other cheeky five year olds. 

Something fluttered in Johnny’s chest. Everything was still normal, everything was going to be alright. They could give Michael that normality. 

Suddenly, he felt ten years younger.

Thank you nan, he thought. If he knew Deirdre Saxby well enough, he knew that she had quickly shuffled from the livingroom to the kitchen to be at hand if the ice needed to be broken. 

‘You can shout too if you want’ Johnny said. Kids’ like to shout, right? If Michael wanted to shout, he could shout to his heart’s content, Johnny didn’t have anything against that. 

‘Just not when grandad is asleep or when dad is making goat cheese’ 

‘Goat cheese?’ Michael said, his eyes growing wide. 

‘And it’s as stinky as it sounds’ Johnny said, patting Gheorghe on the back, delighting to have gotten an impressed “oooh”, from the boy. Stinky and slimy things, children these days were not that much different from what he remembered of his childhood.

Gheorghe, in turn, shook his head before adding: 

‘One day I will show you how to make it. Now let’s go’ 

And, just like that, Gheorghe stepped forward and reached out his hand for Michael to take it. For an interminable moment, Michael just looked at it. 

Was he going to take it? Johnny was starting to sweat again. It was just a simple thing, but it was a big trust moment, right? 

He watched as Michael moved his gaze to Gheorghe’s eyes who smiled his gentlest, quiest smile. 

And Michael smiled back before taking Gheorghe’s hand, following him out of the house towards the beasts. 

For a moment, Johnny didn’t move. Should he offer a hand too? Nothing more natural, right? 

But he couldn’t.

He did follow them, he delighted in seeing Michael impressed at the tools, at the machine and, most importantly, at the cows. He watched as Gheorghe went a step forward and, slowly, lifted Michael up and showed him how to gently strike Betsy, their sweetest beast. 

They joked and laughed. Johnny joined in, told Michael a few stories about Betsy and the others.

But he couldn’t reach out his hand. 

Nothing to worry about, right? It will come. He just needed to copy what Gheorghe was doing. Easy. 

Well. Easy is a difficult word. Gheorghe always made gentless, patience and kindness look easy. 

He suspected that Michael and himself shared a much bleaker vision of life.

They came back for lunch just in time. The house smelled great as Deirdre had made her famous stew and bought nice bread and lots (and she did mean lots) of chocolate cookies from the village bakery. All good, kids love those things, right? 

Johnny hadn’t thought that lunch was leading to something very important: the first meeting between Michael and Martin. 

He knew that, by the end of the day, he was going to die of exhaustion. This was far too much. 

But the meeting went well. Michael saw Martin in the wheelchair and Martin saw Michael, standing right in front of him. The two of them looked at each other. Michael cocked his head to the side, studying his grandfather and, when he smiled, the other smiled back. 

Quietly, no need for words. 

Michael, somehow knowing exactly what to do, took a seat next to Gheorghe, who served him a generous portion of lasagna and he started to wolf it down. 

‘Slow it down young man’ Deirdre said, as she helped Martin eat. Johnny saw Michael immediately stop eating. 

Oh God, what was happening now?

Deirdre seemed to realise that something was going on. She smiled and said: 

‘Don’t worry, you can keep on eating, just slowly. There is plenty, and I will keep an eye out on your dads so that there will be a second serving just for you’ 

Michael smiled at the concession and turned his attention back to the lasagna. 

They were lucky, the rest of the day was sunny and relatively mild, so they went out to play with a ball Deirdre had retrieved from a forgotten corner of the house. It turned out that Johnny was rubbish as a goalkeeper but hey, it made Michael and Gheorghe giggle and bond together, so that was all good. 

The physical activity was great also because it tired Michael down to the point that he almost fell asleep at dinner and they were able to bring him to bed without all the protest he had heard people on telly complain about. 

The one that didn’t get tired enough though was Johnny, who, that night in bed, was keeping on tossing and turning. 

‘Do you have fleas?’ Gheorghe’s voice made him freeze. He was certain he was asleep. 

‘No?’ Johnny replied, feigning ignorance. 

‘Try not to stress out’ Gheorghe said, his eyes still closed. 

Wow. How did he always know what was wrong?

‘How can I not?’ 

‘You need to be patient. It will all come. You need to give yourself and Michael some time’

‘I shouldn’t need to give time to this.It should come naturally for a father to hug a son’ 

‘Patience’ Gheorghe said, his eyes still close but his lips were curved in a little smile. 

‘It’s easy for you to say. You are all patience and gentleness’ he turned around. Looking away. Gheorghe’s relax was starting to get infuriating. 

‘You?’ 

‘I need to go and get a glass of water’ he replied, feeling too fidgety to lie down again. 

‘Do you want one?’

‘No, no. Come back soon’ 

Johnny made his way out of the room and down the corridor, before stopping right in front of Michael’s door and slipping in, just to check that everything was ok. 

He almost died on the spot when he saw that Michael wasn’t in his bed. 

‘Oh shit’ he muttered under his breath, as he was frozen there, his eyes roaming around. Where was his son? The window was closed and, if anybody had come through the front door, Deirdre, who was such a light sleeper in her old age, would have known. 

Still, Michael wasn’t in his bed and…

The quiet sound of a suppressed sniffle drew his attention to the wardrobe. Johnny noticed immediately how the door was slightly ajar. 

His immediate instinct was to rush to it, check that everything was ok, that he wasn’t injured or anything. 

But then he heard another sniffle and he stopped. Michael wasn’t injured, at least, not physically. Johnny felt a surge of anger in his chest as memories of a time when he was a child and had hidden in his wardrobe, crying somewhere where his dad’s contempt couldn’t follow him. 

Who on Earth could have done this to that little tiny thing that was Michael?

He realised that the best approach was not to burge in like a bull in a china shop, but to do what he would have wanted someone had done to him. 

Slowly, he moved to the wardrobe and sat to the side of it, his back to the side of the piece of furniture. 

‘Hi Michael, it’s me, Johnny’ 

No answer, but he wasn’t expecting any. 

‘Is Scottish McTeddy with you?’ he asked, letting his head rest against the wardrobe. He hoped that mentioning the teddy, that clearly wasn’t on the bed, would help dragging an answer out of Michael. 

‘Yes’ Michael said, with the quietest little voice.

‘I hope he is quite good against the dark. It is quite scary isn’t it?’ 

No answer. Ok, come on Johnny, you can do this. 

‘I had one friend like that too’ he said, feeling his body stiffen up a little as the memories flooded back. He had long forgiven his father and his nan too, perhaps even his mother deep down, but the memories were still painful. 

But maybe, if they could help with this one task, all that pain could turn useful. 

‘The blue elephant on your shelf is my old friend Eddy, and I always brought him with me to the wardrobe’

‘You hid too?’ Michael said, his voice still a little rough from crying, but louder than before. 

‘Oh yes. Often. As a child and as an adult, although I was too big for the wardrobe at that point’ 

That earned him a quiet chuckle. Good sign. 

‘But yes, I used to hide because the dark is scary and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes, it’s difficult to see who you can trust. It is difficult to see how you can be ok’

Silence. 

He prayed to all the Gods in the Heavens and beyond that, somehow, he was getting through to Michael. 

‘But then your dad came and showed me that even the dark is not too scary if you can face it with your teddy and with someone who can turn on the light. If you let me, I will turn the light on for you. I will be’ 

He couldn’t finish the sentence as he heard the door of the wardrobe open wider. 

He stayed completely still, as he heard Michael move to him. He could swear his heart was about to burst. 

He was frozen in place when Michael hugged him tight. His little body was still stiff with fear, but, little by little, he felt him relax.

Johnny’s eyes burnt with tears of happiness and relief. 

Keep it together Saxby, he thought, as he passed his arms around his son. 

That barrier he had felt, that difficulty at breaking the physical distance because his father had hardly done it, shuttered in a million pieces.

The light in their darkness was on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I think this will be the last chapter of this series. 
> 
> I have had a lot of fun working on this and I believe is has given me the chance to reflect on my writing style and improve. 
> 
> Also, it has been an amazing experience to hear from other people around the world who not only love this movie as much as me, but also have experience of being a minority in another society or have a family member living away from them. 
> 
> Thank you so much again. Remember you are not alone, and stay strong!


End file.
